Why I Hate Hippies

I care about the environment as much as the next guy. I'm an Eagle Scout. I don't litter. I recycle everything my apartment takes, and I occasionally take the leftovers to the city plant. But I hate hippies. I got a letter yesterday from the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality saying, in effect, that "A concerned citizen" reported to them my car was smoking on July 31st at 6:45pm.

Actually my parents got the letter and just read the pertinent parts to me. So, A) I need to change where my title is registered to, B) my parents need to not read my mail, or C) The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality needs to stop writing my parents like I'm still in high school.

The car is over 40 years old. I tune it up, change the oil (and properly dispose of the old oil), and replace the exhaust system whenever parts where out. It still smokes occasionally, but it looks awesome. Why couldn't this concerned jackass just appreciate the light of coolness that I brought into his/her life for 5 minutes at a stoplight instead of running to narc on me to the state?

Would they have cared if it was a VW Bus "smoking" all over the place? No. I don't think so. Instead, they saw a sweet, classic muscle car and immediately identified me with the greasers that used to beat them up while blaring Zeppelin over a wimpy folk singer quietly strumming out a cover of "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?"

I'm not that guy, but apparently this drug-addled eco-Nazi couldn't figure that out. Instead Flower Child funneled a complaint down into the system of waste of a state division that probably consumes more paper in a day than I do in a year and more electricity in an hour than I would in a month to give me a long-distance lecture.

Stupid hippies.