Open letter to tourists

Dear D.C. Tourists:

Welcome to Capitol Hill! I'm actually glad that you've decided to take your family here this summer. It's beautiful here this time of year, the entire Capitol Complex is lovely, and seeing the Constitution and Declaration of Independence sure beats your kids playing video games all summer. As someone who will be sharing the city with you this summer, I just have a few small requests.

One: Please continue to wear your Hawaiian shirts, fanny packs, khaki shorts with long-sleeved shirts tucked in, and visors. If you haven't arrived with these items of clothing, then your family should at least all wear the same color shirt (neon colors work nicely). Any of these outfits make it easy for folks like me to identify you from a distance, stay as far away as possible, and thus give you all the room you need to make your visit happier and your family time more intimate.

Two: The map from National Treasure really, really isn't on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Sorry. I could tell you it was, but that would be enabling your strange fantasy. And, no, the guards probably won't make an exception for you to just "take a quick peak," even if you did drive Betty and the kids all the way from Idaho. Sorry.

Three: I think it's fantastic you want to talk to your Senators and/or Representatives. I think more people should. Become involved, voice your concerns, develop a relationship with your elected officials. However, when I am outside of my building, listening to my ipod, smoking a cigarette, and not making eye contact with you, it is difficult to mistake me for a Capitol Hill information booth staffer. I don't mind telling you where buildings are, or giving you directions to the metro.

However, there are 100 Senators and 435 Representatives. I don't know where your Member's office is. I have absolutely no idea if they're in town right now, or if they have time to see you. Maybe, before you sailed up the Atlantic coast from Florida in the fishing boat you bought for retirement, you should have given your Senator a call to see if (s)he'd be around. Just a thought. You'll have a nice time in the district anyway.

Four: Metro etiquette. I'm going to break this into several parts.

a) The metro is hard to navigate sometimes. The maps help, but no one minds answering your questions. Really. However, knowing the stop you want, the area of town you want to get to, or at least the name of the restaurant where you're meeting your "high-school-sweetheart-I-haven't-seen-in-15-years-I-wonder-if-he's-fat-now" helps me a lot when I'm trying to give you directions. It's great that it's somewhere near Pennsylvania, but Pennsylvania happens to be a long street, with lots of restaurants. I really, really would help you if I could, but I also don't want to talk about what an amazing quarterback Gerald was when he was 17. I don't know why he divorced Marlene. I just want to listen to Wolf Parade. That's it.

b) One of my favorite things about DC is that people move from place to place as quickly as I do. I don't believe in standing still on metro escalators. If I'm on the metro, I'm either late for work, or I want to go home. So, particularly during rush hour, PLEASE pretend like the left side of the escalator will spontaneously burst into flames if you spend more than 2 seconds on a given stair. The left is for WALKING. If you want to stand, that's what the entire right half is dedicated to. I have nothing funny to say here, but seriously, people. LEFT=walk. RIGHT=lazy. Choose a side, embrace the side, but please don't stand on the left.

c) On a related note, I know that when a few hundred people are getting off the metro, and 50 of them belong to your party, it's scary and nerve racking and you want to be able to count heads as quickly as possible. PLEASE, though, do not do this at the very top or bottom of the escalators. Back up 10-15 feet, and then congragate. Again, nothing funny, but we'll like you so much more if you do this one simple thing for us.

d) I bet that your children are adorable, brilliant, and that they're very excited to be on vacation and to meet new people. I think that's fantastic. However, when I'm on my way home, I'm really tired, and need to retreat into what I like to call my "metro bubble of aloneness." I don't take up much space, I don't talk to anyone, I put on my headphones, and I read. It's REALLY hard to bother me. What does bother me, though - a lot - is hearing this conversation screamed:

50-year-old woman, top of her lungs, to entire train: "Jimmy is collecting people from all 50 states! What state are you on now, Jimmy?"
8-year-old boy: "Alaska, Mommy!"
Woman: "Hear that? he needs Alaska! Who on this train is from Alaska? Anyone? Anyone? Come on! DC is the great melting pot. Fine! Alabama? Really? No takers? Well, don't worry Jimmy, we've got an entire alphabet to get through!"
Boy: "I love long metro rides! I can sing all the states in alphabetical order, wanna hear?"
Woman: "Listen to him! My boy's going to be president one day!"

Good lord.

I think that's it. Generally, you're all very nice people, who make working on the Hill more interesting. Just please, please, don't be the typical tourist.

Thanks!

Love
Me