I love warmth. I constantly and actively seek warmth. I have accumulated along the years an extensive arsenal in my quest to keep my body at or above 98.6 degrees.
I get out my long johns around October. I have been known to wear them for weeks at a time underneath my clothes. Sometimes I wash them. I wear my skiing socks 6 months out of the year, and god knows I am not skiing 6 months out of the year. I have 6 jackets to combat varying levels of chilliness, and I choose said jackets based on daily analyses of various weather websites. The most extreme choice within the jacket hierarchy is a full-length down-filled waterproof parka. It has a hood. I have beaucoups of blankets (yes, some are electric). Drawers full of sweaters, scarfs, hats, and gloves. I really like to be warm.
And I am stepping it up a notch. The next battle in my war on cold is very specific: my arms get cold when I read, yet I become too hot (and lose my reading light) if I completely submerge myself under a blanket. Pete was perceptive about my quandary (he mainly deduced it because I said about 5 times a day, "I wish I had some blanket device to warm my arms while I read.") and invested in my latest warmth-giving product: a slanket. A slanket, if you could not deduce this, is a blanket with sleeves. It looks like this:
Peter says that I am going to look like an insane monk. I say that will only add to the appeal. However, it appears that there is an even more extreme heating product out there: the selk bag. It combines the thickness of a sleeping bag with the form of a jumpsuit. I think I'm in love.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
My Ongoing Love Affair with Warmth
Monday, January 28, 2008
Wonkette reads HON!
Happy State of the Union Day!!!
State of the Union day is my favorite holiday of the year. We lay down some ground rules and we drink ourselves silly as we listen to an hour of Bushspeak. Of course, all the predictable rules apply: terrorism=drink. nuculer (or any other pronunciation) = drink freedom/liberty/democracy=drink.
Each year, though, we try to keep up with the times and spice things up a little. Mathgimp's already established two rules: a) any further mention of human-animal hybrids merits a car bomb and b) we drink whenever the word "bubble" is uttered. I just consulted the good folks at WaPo, and here are a few more:
1) So, what's the big idea starting off your article with the phrase "as he prepares to deliver his seventh and probably final State of the Union address tonight." Is the probably necessary? Really? Can't our long, national nightmare end gracefully in 359 or so days? Any allusion to Bush bringing us State of the Union VIII and we finish the bottle. And move to Canada.
2) Bushie's apparently pissed that many Americans have "already written him off." Any reference to the way history will see him, the historic moment of his presidency, blah blah blah, and we drink.
3) We drink if he promises to solve that whole Mideast peace thing...although they've been quiet about that since the Gaza/Egypt border collapsed.
4) The term "unfinished business."
Leave your ideas in the comments, feel free to come join us if ya want, and Happy State of the Union Day!!!!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Two amusing sites today...
Seriously, I love metafiliter.
The first is just plain funny. From the page:
"Oh God. Oh dear God in heaven no. Your first instinct will be to repeatedly jab a pinecone in your eyes, but please try to understand Pepsi's mindset. First, they were almost definitely drunk. Secondly, they knew that the internet was in some way related to computers, so the idea was to make their website very evocative of a computer. I'm not convinced they understood what a computer was, but when they closed their eyes and thought about computers, this monstrosity is what popped into their drunken heads."
The second is just plain awesome. No quote, but if you ever liked a video game, give it a click.
Update: Well, not really a new site, per se, but a new spin on one. We've apparently pissed the internet off something fierce....
Saturday, January 26, 2008
This is my life
I show Pete a picture of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony, stylized by Annie Lebowitz for a Disney promotion.
Me: "Do you know who that is?"
Peter: "I don't know" He studies the picture. "Aladdin?"
Me: "No, darling. They're celebrities. What celebrities are they?"
Pete: Squints at the picture again. "I don't know. I honestly don't know."
Me: "Peter, that's Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony."
Peter: "Ohhh...ok. Ok. I mean, I don't know. How should I know? You know, I thought for a second it was that man from Pirates and the Caribbean...no, no...not Johnny Depp. The young one. What's his name? You know, Ham Sandwich...[he mumbles names of 4-5 photographers. I don't know why]...is it Freddie Prinze Junior? You know, for a second I was going to guess that the woman was Mariah Carey...Ohhh, ok. Ok. So that's J Lo. That's J Lo? That's the Lo."
Me: Sitting in stunned silence.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Bible Readers Only Slightly Worse at the SAT than Non-Readers
A guy scraped the Facebook lists of top ten favorite books at schools from around the country, then he correlated those with the average SAT/ACT scores for those students. The results [in handy graph form]: the best test takers only like Lolita and 100 Years of Solitude. The worst like Zane (I have no idea what that is, but it looks like it's maybe an erotica/romance author.) Oddly, fans of The Holy Bible (also, Nervous, Farenheit 451, The Color Purple, True to the Game, Flyy Girl, Addicted, and B More Careful) scored lower than those who simply remarked "I Don't Read."
What exactly is "egregious"?
"Nine city employees in the District of Columbia have been fired for using government computers to visit an "egregious" number of pornographic Web sites in 2007."
My vote is 42. [pc world]
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Superpowers come next...
This is really freaking cool. Or scary, as she may become an unstoppable killing machine next. It's really 50/50 either way.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
What does Jesus do?
Three of my friends from Austin started a website documenting Jesus' daily life. It's pretty hysterical and sure to piss off the religious extremists in your life. Here's the blurb: "Check it...Jesus is sick of all the bullshit. Christmas is not his birthday...he doesn’t hate fags...oh yeah, and he’s black. We of team jesus productions (tjpro) have been hired to document his daily life in an effort to show you…the people…what Jesus does."
Here's the link. Spread the love.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
My Birthday Party ended in Assault
I don't have the energy to tell the whole story yet, but here is the review that I submitted to washingtonpost.com
Psychotic Bouncers/Terrible Time
Marvin is the worst establishment I have visited in DC. I should have known it would be bad when I encountered a huge wad of spit on the banister on the way up to the bar. The staff was beyond rude, and I was appalled at how snobby and sarcastic they were to me. However, that all pales in comparison to the fact that a bouncer punched my friend in the face after my friend asked him why he was cutting to the front of the ridiculous bathroom line. Then the bouncer threw my friend down the stairs. The bouncer was arrested, and now we are considering a civil suit against the place as well. Summary: intensely crowded, overpriced drinks, potential of getting assaulted by staff. Find another place to hang out.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Vaginas Unite
So...I tried out for a role in my school's production of the Vagina Monologues, and I got a rocking part. I will present the monologue, "The Angry Vagina." Except my version of it is more neurotic and confused. Get yourself to DC on Feb. 12, 13, or 14 if you can. Below the fold are the first two paragraphs of my monologue to get you excited. Also, I showed my monologue to my grandmother and she is very concerned and wants to know if I can be recast. My grandpa loves it.
My vagina's angry. It is. It's pissed off. My vagina's furious and it needs to talk. It needs to talk about all this shit. It needs to talk to you. I mean what's the deal — an army of people out there thinking up ways to torture my poor-ass, gentle loving vagina. Spending their days constructing psycho products, and nasty ideas to undermine my pussy. Vagina Motherfuckers.
All this shit they're constantly trying to shove up us, clean us up — stuff us up, make it go away. Well, my vagina's not going away. It's pissed off and it's staying right here. Like tampons — what the hell is that? A wad of dry fucking cotton stuffed up there. Why can't they find a way to subtly lubricate the tampon? As soon as my vagina sees it, it goes into shock. It says forget it. It closes up. You need to work with the vagina, introduce it to things, prepare the way. That's what foreplay's all about. You got to convince my vagina, seduce my vagina, engage my vagina's trust. You can't do that with a dry wad of fucking cotton.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
So I turned 25 today, and I understood irony
It's getting a speeding ticket on the day you become, demographically speaking, a lower-risk, safer driver. At least my insurance is dropping, so that'll cancel out the defensive driving costs. Net gain for Joey! Fortunately, I'm in a good enough mood that I'm still really enjoying the idea of it all.
Also, now that the blog is faster, I'm wiser, and I've dropped some freelance gigs, I'll try to start posting more often.
Peter van Agtmael Press Release - Issue #1
Here is the interview Pete did with a prominent photo blogger, which was also posted on PopPhoto.com.
He also started working with abcnews.com. Here is the first piece he did (an article and 2 slideshows!), and here is the slideshow that just got published.
Another blogger posted his bathroom graffiti pics, which I find really interesting.
And last but not least, here is his new website that he just got up.
FYI
If any of you have some late Xmas shopping for someone you don't like, I have found your solution.
I hope you all like me.
Also, they are very clear. They can not ensure that the product is completely mite free.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Creative employment
So, I'm currently unemployed. In reality, I'm just biding time until the exciting portions of my life begin: namely, June's trip to Eastern Europe and then getting out of Maryland and going to grad school.
Until, then, sadly, mathgimp continues to expect me to pay rent. A friend of mine knows someone who makes 6 figures as a Craigslist "prospector," so I figured "why not me?" As I build the "legitimate" portions of my self-unemployment (tutoring, editing, writing), I need short-term money. Here are my most recent creative employment ideas. The first was a bust, but I'm pretty proud of the last two.
1. Tried to get paid to take online surveys. I got overwhelmed by the 60 spam emails I got in the first hour and gave up. Kiss "nuraido@yahoo.com" goodbye forever.
2. Idea two
3. Idea three
I'm on a roll, people! Tell your friends, let me know any of your other crazy ideas, they'll be on Craigslist tonight!
What shall we name the movement?
There's been talk for some time of the Tex-odus from Austin to the great white north. That Guy's morning post, however, points to a term not so easily coined - how do we escape the Mary Land? Mar-exodus doesn't have a nice ring to it. If we're all finally getting the heck outta here, what can we call that? And where will we go?
We need a name for our budding diaspora. That's all I'm sayin.
Raise your hand if you hate Maryland
It's no secret that many, if not most, of us attached to this blog absolutely despise the great state of Maryland with every fiber of our being. If I'm wrong, of if this does not apply to you, stop reading here.
So you've decided to keep reading. Which means you also hate Maryland. Sure, we all came here on our own recognizance, but it was all a ploy to lure us in and suffocate us until all hope is gone. Given the fact that so many of us would give our left testicle/breast to get out of this god-forsaken place, why the hell are we all still here? Is Maryland some kind of cesspool/quicksand/black hole? Is it true that not even light can escape Maryland, and the harder we try to escape it the more it sucks us in until we are finally neck deep in shit? Why, oh WHY people, can we not get out of this place??? I say 2008 is the year that we all find our freedom and say goodbye to this death trap. I'll drink to that!
Some Late Night Hacking
Mac users should note: people are sometimes bastards, and are starting to screw with mac users.
With these, it's all social engineering. That means they don't hack your machine, but trick you into downloading and installing programs that will hack your machine. So, if you don't click the "install" button, you're fine (unlike unpatched windows machines). Anyways, be somewhat careful about what you install from now on....
Some Late Night Amusement
So I talked to my friend Emily tonight (some of you know her from high school), and she pointed me to her blogs. She's a clerk for a federal judge, and the second one is about the law. Or something. I expect all of the freaking lawyers who read this blog to explain it to me.
After the jump, a couple of samples that I found amusing.
The first is her normal blog. Living in Corpus Christi, TX , I'm kinda amazed that one can generate any interesting stories (while it's in Texas, it's not renowned for it's hilarious stories), but apparently it's possible. Who knew. For those who wonder why I don't have amusing stories about life in maryland, please try to remember that I'm in maryland. My amusing stories involve other states.
The second is a dissection of terrible legal writing. Those of you who like reading legal writing may find the writing itself funny. Personally, even the writing that wasn't being mocked was incomprehensible to me. However, the commentary was hilarious. Here's one that's short and sweet that I liked.
PS: In case you missed my earlier post: doooooooooooooooooomed!!!!!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The moment you've all been waiting for...
Shortly after Halloween, four boys, including my brother and two of your absentee blog authors, embarked on the great Beard Off of 2007, and decided not to shave until January 2, 2008. I have for you, complete with picture goodness, the results of this endeavor:
So the boys were really, really hairy before New Years. 
Then, horror struck with the birth of the molestache: (h/t to Lisa!!) 
What shocks me about these pictures is the sheer variety of creepy they're able to produce with a razor. From left to right: Escaped psychopath residing in trailer park; Daniel Day Lewis/Ol'West; Turn of the century Irish pugilist/70s pedophile; and Hitler meets Charlie Chaplin.
Here are a few more: 
But just so you can sleep tonight, here's the cutest picture on my camera so far: two of your Maryland-based blog authors embracing
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sign that I should stop living out of a suitcase
Today I wore a pair of socks on my hands in place of mittens.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
oh yeah/oh hell yeah
Pete and I exited the subway at the Penn Station stop. As we did so, I was moved to sing: "You are so beautiful, to me."
No, Pete. I am singing about a bus.
Not just any bus. The beautiful bus in the world, or as I describe it (rant) to fellow riders (strangers), "It's a gift from heaven!"
A gift from heaven it is. It is a brand new deluxe bus, with a sparkling clean bathroom. In the rear of the bus, there are 8 seats set up around tables, where you can conveniently set up your laptop. "Why would you want to set up your laptop on the bus?" you query.
BECAUSE THERE IS INTERNET ON THE BUS.
That's right, suckers. Internet on the bus. Are you beginning to weep from joy? I kind of am. What's more, they give you a bottle of water for the ride. AND it costs no more ($40 round trip) than a Chinatown or Greyhound bus.
And, the cherry on the sundae (for me, anyway) is that this very special bus drops me off in Dupont Circle, one block from my apartment.
It's really too much for me. And because I am so gracious, I will give you all the chance to start your own special relationship with this bus line. Cherish it; it may not be here forever.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Lapsed Catholics Unite!!!
I'm sure this will be overturned, but I'm still stunned. Good god. Pun intended.
Friday, January 4, 2008
MIA
It's been awhile, I know.
I have myriad excuses, some of them good, some not so good. My good excuses are a) that I am not, at the present time, Stuck in Maryland, which gives me a reason to live beyond the blog. b) the only folks posting OR commenting these days are mathgimp and I (with the occasional surprise appearance by fodder) but we all live in the same house so we can talk to each other instead of post...but then I have strange experiences...like on New Years where multiple people come up to me to tell me they read the blog daily, and miss the frequent updates. So, absentee HONers, you are missed.
Regardless, I have an amazing photo series to publish sometime in the very near future - I'm just waiting on an email to make it complete. Other than that, Austin is wonderful. I had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in three years - I predicted we'd only last an hour, and we spent four and a half discussing Nietzsche, politics, and rhetorical theory. You may had died of boredom, but I was in heaven.
And, of course, the Iowa caucus was tonight. I predicted Obama and Huck for first (although those words are appearing all over ze interveb, it's true for me). I find the Clinton/Edwards tie somewhat fascinating...the way the media will spin this (devastating loss for Clinton? strong finish for Edwards? air of inevitability for Obama?) will be interesting...just so long as we don't start rehearsing "President Huckabee." Now that's some scary shit.
Alright bedtime for me, and then pictures to follow soon. I love and miss you all.
me
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Maryland: Smaller than Denmark
It would appear that Maryland Legislators are just as lame as their state. In their defense, though, many states appear to do such things. Although perhaps this makes Maryland both lame and tardy, since they haven't taken care of it yet. Losers.
PS: The headline comes from the saying "Texas: Bigger than France" (pointing out the awesomeness of Texas), and this site. Mock your least favorite state in new and exciting ways!