Suicide via Llamas

Pete and I went on a tour during our Chile vacation that was...not...very...enjoyable.

We went on a tour in northern Chile that promised us a view of the Chilean desert and amazing geysers. The downside was that it was going to start at 4 in the morning and last till noon. But hell, they were going to give us breakfast and I had never seen a geyser! Pete was less than enthused, but I insisted that we go on the Great Geyser Excursion. Here is a breakdown of our day.

3:30AM Alarm goes off. Pete almost convinces me to go back to sleep. I am excited about geysers and push him out of bed.
4:00AM We go and wait for the van to pick us up. It is dark and cold.
4:15AM We wonder where the van is.
4:30AM We discuss going back to bed.
4:40AM Van arrives 40 minutes late. Driver announces to sleep if we can, because it is a two hour drive and it's not going to be very comfortable.
4:45AM I discover the road is so bad I am thrown up into the air several inches every three seconds or so. No sleep will be had.
5:15AM Pete's stomach is upset, and the road (or lack thereof) is not helping the situation. The day does not appear to be promising.
6:15AM We arrive at the geysers park. I am silently thankful that neither Pete nor I were carsick.
6:16AM The two ugly prune-faced German women ("The Prunes") who have been sitting in front of us get up to exit the vehicle. One of them flings back her arm rest into my thigh. It hurts.
6:20AM We disembark from tour bus to find out that it is 0 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm wearing jeans, a jacket, and sneakers covered in hearts.
6:30AM We take a look at the geysers. Are you picturing Old Faithful? No, no. They are little bubbling holes in the ground. There's lots of steam coming from them because it's flipping 0 degrees.
6:30AM My feet feel tingly and hurt from the cold.
6:32AM I start laughing uncontrollably and wrap my scarf around my head. Yes, this is captured on video. See Pete for tape.
6:34AM I decide that geysers aren't very interesting. Still laughing strangely and feeling alienated from the tour group, who all seem fascinated by looking at geyser after geyser.
6:40AM I go back to wait in the van until people are done looking at geysers.
7:00AM Breakfast is served. Breakfast is stale fruitcake, salami slices on Bimbo bread, and powdered coffee.
7:20AM Pete decides to go take one more look around. On the way out, he tries to make a joke by flinging the armrest onto my thigh a la the Prunes.
7:21AM I burst out in tears from the exhaustion and the sudden armrest-to-thigh pain.
7:22AM Pete feels really bad. It's ok, Pete. It would have been funny if it wasn't 7:22AM.
7:45AM We get back on the "road."
7:46AM Guide makes a short announcement. (Guide is terrible and not informative in the least, by the way). One of the Prunes sharply "SSSSSSHHHHHHes" Pete. Pete is insulted by the Prune's sub-par communication skills.
9:00AM We arrive at a different geyser location. Prunes exit, and in the process, fling the armrest onto Pete's thigh. It hurts.
9:01AM These geysers look very similar to the original geysers. However, there is a hot spring bath at this location. Unfortunately, it is lukewarm. The day has warmed up to a balmy 30 degrees F.
9:30AM Pete and I find a hot spot in the bath and decide to get in. This part was actually pretty fun. There were 3 old people who would jump out of the water and squeal whenever they got hit with a particularly hot current. Also, another older man accidentally mooned the crowd and got a big applause for it.
9:50AM Time to leave the hot springs. I have to get dressed behind a wall in the below freezing weather. I shouldn't have laughed at the man who mooned everyone.
10:00AM Back on the "road." wooooot.
10:10AM We see llamas. Llamas are neat. A Prune insists we stop the van. Llamas are not stop-the-van neat.
10:30AM We see flamingos swimming. Flamingos are very neat. A Prune insists we stop the van. Flamingos are not stop-the-van neat.
10:45AM We see ducks. Ducks are not very neat. A Prune insists we stop the van. Ducks are definitely not stop-the-van neat.
11:00AM We stop at a native "village" consisting of about 10 little houses. Prunes armrest us on the way out. I pay eighty cents to use the bathroom and buy Pete and I fried cheese empanadas. My cheese empanada turns out to be the second-best part of the whole day.
11:10AM Pete wanders off towards the desert threatening suicide via llama. I don't know what it means, but I am worried. Things are grim.
11:15AM I meet the CUTEST CHILD IN THE WORLD, who lives in this tiny village. I will post some pictures and you will understand what I mean. He and I chat for a while about the pictures he is drawing, and I am smitten. If his mother had been very ill and unable to care for the child, I would have taken him back with me to the United States and raised him. This is not a joke. I asked him how old he was, and he said three. Then he said (in Spanish of course), "Wait, wait. I need to ask mom. Mom, how old am I?" "You're 4, dear." "Oh right. I'm 4." I desperately searched through my bag for something to give him. All I had was a highlighter. I gave it to him, and he was absolutely delighted.
11:40AM Pete drags me away from the child because it's time to move on to the next location. I kiss the child and call him an angel. "That's kind of weird, Sarah," Pete says.
11:41AM Van time. I am relieved because I think this 8-hour hellacious experience is going to end soon.
12:00PM Tour is scheduled to end at this time. Guide announces that as our last activity, we are going to go on a one-hour hike in the desert to look at cacti.
12:01PM Pete and I stare at each other in disbelief and terror.
12:02PM Prune armrests me.
12:03PM We start trudging through the desert.
12:20PM Pete and I realize that it's not that enjoyable to look at cacti in the middle of the desert at noon. We leave our tour group (who we have completely alienated ourselves from) and return to the van to wait out the cactus viewing portion of the program.
1:00PM One hour behind schedule, the van embarks for San Pedro, our starting point. I'm really hungry.
1:30PM Pete gets the final brunt from the Prunes' armrest rage.

Now look, I realize what you might be thinking. Something along the lines about how I am a spoiled brat who should enjoy tours in Chile even if she is cold and on an uncomfortable road. But you know what? You can go to hell. I do like seeing amazing sights, even if it is a bit uncomfortable. But these were not amazing sights, and it was a step beyond uncomfortable. Everyone in our group appeared to be a bit demoralized and unhappy upon reaching the end of this really, really long day.

One other thing did make me happy (besides the empanada and the child). We got off and I said goodbye to the terrible guide who had made little to zero effort to drag this awful experience even a little bit out of the sludge. "Do you know about the guidebook 'Lonely Planet?" I asked him. "Yes, I do," he said, suddenly interested in speaking to me. "Well, I am a writer from Lonely Planet. Now I have to write a review of your tour." He seemed taken aback. "I hope it's a good one..." he responded. I said nothing and walked away.