The ongoing saga of Larry and Bob

I was going to write an analysis of media construction of the legitimacy of presidential candidates through the projection of objectivity. It's been on my mind lately. But that sounded like a lot of work for something no one would read.

On the other hand, a bunch of you seemed interested in the Officer Larry and Officer Bob saga, and there are some updates on that below the jump.

I came to work yesterday mentally prepared to embrace the advice of Barzelay and demand that Officer Bob either ignore me or come up with new morning jokes. When I got here, he was positively beaming, which threw me off my game. "He's back!" Half asleep me thought "Who's back? Voldemort? WTF is happening?" Bob continued: "Officer Larry's back! You must have let him out of the basement!" I was struck by how happy and genuinely relieved this man looked, so early in the morning on a Monday. I think he really missed Larry, which is strange but fine.

"That's great!" I replied. I smiled, kept walking, and left him to whatever reunion festivities he had planned. I figured we'd have time later to resolve our last remaining point of contention: Larry was never in my basement. Not ever.
On the way to the elevator, a woman I'd never seen before rushed to catch up with me. "How did you do that?" She asked. I was, for the second time in 30 seconds, completely baffled. "Do what?" I asked. "He was just nice to you. How did you get him to talk? He's a fuckin asshole to everyone else. All the rest of the guards are fine, but that guy just sucks."

Hmmm. Apparently, inane repetitive jokes are nothing short of a declaration of love from Bob. And I would certainly prefer that relationship to blistering hatred. Besides, it seems to me that Bob is lost and alone without Larry, and needs someone to share that with. I suppose that can be me.

Today, I came back from lunch sweaty and flushed and running late (it's like 100 degrees outside, and somehow I managed to get lost). Lo and behold, there was Larry, but no Bob. "Hey, sweetheart! It's been way too long! How ya doin? You sure look cute today!" he says (it's nice to hear, especially when it's a lie). We chatted for a few minutes, and then he says "Hey-is that boyfriend of yours still treatin you right?" Dammit. "You let me know when you break his heart -- I'm next in line." Dammit.

Stupid fake boyfriend. Stupid Officer Bob and his emotional issues. Stupid Officer Larry being back. Oh well. I shouldn't date people from work, especially those who carry guns and can deny me access to the building. But still.