The Pluto-Is-Stupid-So-Keep-Defaming-It League

We believe that Pluto should be demoted to a dwarf planet (also known as an irrelevant retard planet [citation needed]). In the event of a grassroots movement to elevate any dwarf planet to true planetary status, we believe that Eris (the best dwarf planet) should be promoted in lieu of Pluto. After the jump, irrefutable evidence that Pluto is stupid...



The two dwarf planets are similar in many respects. Both are quite small and lightweight. Both Pluto and Eris exist in the Kuiper Belt . I mention this only because they are not in the Oort Cloud , which is more fun to say. This is very disappointing to me.

While the two dwarves have much in common, there are significant differences that suggest the utter worthlessness of Pluto, and the total awesomeness of Eris. To begin, we will address the absurd arguments as to the promotion of Pluto to planet status.

I'm not a scientist, and I have little interest in why or why not these guys collect grant money to classify, reclassify, and declassify objects in our solar system willy-nilly.

Scientists are the coolest people in the world. The should be allowed to do whatever they want.

However, as a child raised in a pre-September 11th world where Pluto was most definitely a planet, I have multiple reasons for wanting it to stay that way.

September 11th changed everything, except for the worthlessness of Pluto.

1. Building models is fun. We got to build lots of models of the solar system when I was little, using Styrofoam balls (before the CFC crisis), a basketball for Jupiter and a pea for Pluto, etc. I think that Pluto's inclusion both illustrates the sheer size of the solar system, and also teaches kids the value of including the little guy - not just cutting him out of our solar system and letting him drift without a family or a home.

As should be clear, the demotion of Pluto does not affect the enjoyment of model building. Hell, it doesn't even ban the construction of models that include irrelevant planets like Pluto. Pluto can (and probably will) continue being included in solar system models, constructed by people who do not understand the worthlessness of Pluto.

It is also interesting to note that the pro-Pluto camp do not argue for the inclusion of Eris in these models. They support one minority, while keeping another down. Such callous disregard for the feelings of other dwarf planets shows the moral depravity of Pluto supporters.

2. My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pickles/Pizzas. Pluto's the most versatile planet in that mnemonic device. Also, I'm not really sure how to rewrite it so kids can remember the planet names, but I think the scientific community has that ethical obligation to our children and our educational system.

There are many possible changes to the mnemonic that work fine without Pluto. My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nuts, for example. True, it can be interpreted in a dirty and fairly disturbing way, but it's the first one that came to mind. Perhaps we should consider the mnemonic with the promotion of Eris. My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Eagles, for example. The inclusion of eagles makes it more patriotic! Although the suggested eating of said eagles probably negates the patriotism.

3. Pluto has popular culture currency. Although, to be fair, Disney kinda sucks.

Pluto (the dog) has always sucked (as has the ex-planet). Renaming Pluto after Astro from the Jetsons would add greatly to the pop-culture argument. While Eris doesn't really have any connection to popular culture, at least it is untainted by popular culture that sucks, unlike Pluto.



While some of these arguments would validate the promotion of a dwarf planet, none suggest that Pluto in particular should be promoted. Perhaps we should consider the advantages of elevating Eris to the list of planets, while keeping Pluto down where it belongs.

(1) Eris is bigger than Pluto. As a Texan, bigger = more awesome. Oklahomans may have a difficult time with this concept.

(2) Pluto is the Roman god of the underworld, while Eris is the goddess of strife. As Americans, we all love war, and hate the devil. Thus, Eris is better.

(3) Additionally, there are only two planets named for females (Venus and Earth). Isn't it time for the evil planetary patriarchy to recognize the contribution women make to our solar system? Even dwarf-planet women. An elevation of Pluto would simply reenforce the status quo, and also suggest that size doesn't matter in men. Is that what you really want, ladies?

(4) Eris kinda sounds like eros, which is kinda hot. Pluto is stupid sounding.

(5) Oort cloud! Hee hee.

(6) Puto and Eris both have moons: Charon and Dysnomia, respectively. In mythology, Dysnomia was the demon of lawlessness . Charon, of course, was the ferryman across the river Styx , who had to be paid by the dead. The implication is clear: those who wish to tax the dead (both rich and poor alike) support Pluto, while those who wish to fight the encroachment of big government prefer Eris.

(7) The name Dysnomia kinda looks like insomnia too, which suggests Eris stays up late. Charon sounds kinda like charred, so Pluto must overcook steaks. Why support a morning planet that can't cook?

(8) Pluto is the Water Chestnut of the universe.

(9) The eccentricity of a planet tells you how elliptical the orbit of the planet is. It also tells you how interesting it is, and how fun to hang out with (obviously). Pluto has an eccentricity of 0.248, whereas Eris has an eccentricity of 0.442, as shown here . As is obvious, Eris is cooler than Pluto. For those who argue that eccentric people are just crazy people who are rich, please note that there is no money in space.

(10) Pluto hates our freedoms.

As should be abundantly clear at this point, Pluto should not be elevated to planetary status at all. In fact, a pre-emptive attack against Pluto may be necessary in the near future, coupled with the imprisonment of all Pluto-supporters.

While we have not definitively shown that Eris deserves to be promoted, we have certainly shown that it kicks ass, and is better than stupid Pluto.