Last one...probably

OMG I'm ready for the GRE to be over. Until then, rejoice - this is my last vocabulary post.

There are an awful lot of words in this language of ours, which thankfully gives us the ability to be periphrastic. The meaning of a few of them will be expatiated in this post. Of course, that's not to be confused with expiate, which I will do for boring y'all right after Saturday - If you fulminate against another vocab post, I apologize.
Anyway, most of the words in our language, it seems, have to do with praise or blame. Want to scold someone? Just give them a good upbraiding. Burke does call humans the inventor of the negative, so maybe that makes sense. Abjure is related to that. It's to denounce formally, such as from the throne. Very exciting. Abstemious STEMS from abstain (ahaha)
Apothegms are always limpid, which never sounds to me like a good thing but actually is. Pithy prose is limpid, people, not turgid! The GRE teaches valuable life lessons....with such knowledge, how could the test not be a benison, you might ask? Well, I'll tell ya: if universities became contumacious and revolted tomorrow, I'd be a happier person. Incidentally, I think there's a children's book about Benison the bison, so I can never remember what the damn word means. Grr.

One of the things about winter - it's cool, it's crisp, it dries your skin out. It's very important to use emollients to protect your skin and keep it soft for cuddling. With Mr. Gregory Crane, my future husband.

Speaking of Mr. Crane, our wedding is really going to be something else. Hopefully Mike Gravel will read an encomium - he is, after all, the one responsible for bringing us together. We will walk through the ingress to the place we get married arm in arm, no longer gauche at the sight of each other. Is our marriage internecine? We will kill each other, and then ourselves? No one can know. (There's an interesting story about the etymology of internecine and good ol' Samuel Johnson, who was OCD, by the way, at the link above.)
I hate the words lassitude and lissome. To me, lassitude sounds like a lass with an attitude - in short, sassy. Lissome, on the other hand, sounds like listless, tired, without much energy. Wrong on both accounts. Lassitude means without energy. Lissome is lithesome - flexible, limber. Like a gymnast. Learn something new?

Really, why would vexillology be on the GRE? Seriously, the study of flags? Maceration usually has to do with wine making, and allowing liquids to seep into each other, but it also means to starve. FYI.
Pall is a dark cloth used to cover something, and to annoy - as in, this post is beginning to pall on me. I guess.

Debate makes people disputatious - prone to disputing. (I'm done linking... this is wearing thing.)

A tributary is a stream that flows to a larger stream of water.

A malinger is one who maligns - who speaks untruths about.

Someone lugubrious is gloomy. Booo. Kinda what it sounds like.

Forbear - to refrain from

Abscond is one of those words you know in context, but never use yourself - to sneak off in secret. To abscond with the stolen goods.

This post, in the end, is nugatory - there's little to no importance in me writing it. I'm just wasting time and bandwidth.

Iniquity - immoral. no e makes inequity just flat out immoral. It's amazing what the lack of an e can do. I feel enmity toward the e in inequity for bailing and leaving us with sin. My strong feelings almost make me vertiginous.

This post sucks the most, sorry about that, might not even be worthy of a post, but, well, it's written, so maybe you learned some new scrabbable words. Peace.

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Still need a costume?

People for the American Way got ya covered.

I claim Ann Coulter.

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NO SKINNY PIGS!!!!

Yup, I was right, google had nothing for me on "skinny pigs" or "underweight pigs" or even "svelte pigs". The only photos that came up were photos of guinea pigs and Mary Kate Olsen... that's really quite sad. The challenge is on the table for anyone who's brave enough.

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An assortment of randomness

So many things! Yay!

1. Blogness: The tabs at the top are temporarily like that. I want the category ones to be on a second line. Workin on it. But it's loading faster, yeah?

2. The debate. Dems debated in Philly last night. By all accounts, it sounded amazing. Items of note:

I am excited to announce a new candidate for my future husband -- I think this one's going to stick, too. Mr. Gregory Chase, from Nashua, NH, manages hedge funds. He has two physics degrees from Harvard. He's 27 (kinda cute too - check out the link). He was pissed Gravel was excluded from the debate. He's waging a one-person fundraising and advertising blitz on Gravel's behalf. I heard him on NPR last night, and he's crazy smart. I'm in love. The best part?

"I don't have a lot of personal needs," said Chase, who is not married and has no children. "To the extent that my business is successful, I should spend money on things I think are important. And this isn't just some third-tier guy who is polling low. This is a guy with real ideas who's got a communications problem. And I can help."

. Mr. Chase, will you marry me?

In other debate news....David and Nerdette both pointed this out. It speaks for itself. I can't comment, but as David put it "A lesser man would have fumbled the question. Kucinich just ran with it."

MR. RUSSERT: Congressman Kucinich, I want to move to a different area, because this is a serious question.

The godmother of your daughter, Shirley MacLaine, writes in her new book that you've cited (sic) a UFO over her home in Washington state -- (laughter) -- that you found the encounter extremely moving, that it was a triangular craft silent and hovering, that you felt a connection to your heart and heard direction in your mind.

Now, did you see a UFO? (Laughter.)

REP. KUCINICH: I did. And the rest of the account -- (interrupted by laughter) -- I didn't -- I -- it was unidentified flying object, okay. It's like -- it's unidentified. I saw something.

Now, to answer your question, I'm moving my -- and I'm also going to move my campaign office to Roswell, New Mexico and another one, an extra, to New Hampshire, okay. (Laughter.) And also, you have to keep in mind that more -- that Jimmy Carter saw a UFO, and also that more people in this country have seen UFOs than, I think, approve of George Bush's presidency. (Laughter.)

MR. RUSSERT: Actually --

REP. KUCINICH: And so -- (laughter) -- wait. We're just getting started here.

MR. RUSSERT: No, no. Let me -- 14 percent of Americans say they have seen UFOs.

I'm going to move --

REP. KUCINICH: What was the percentage?

MR. RUSSERT: Fourteen percent.

REP. KUCINICH: What was that percentage?

MR. RUSSERT: Fourteen.

REP. KUCINICH: Thank you.

That's all for now. More later.

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Halloween!!

Hilarity:


Thanks, Katie!

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What I've Learned in this Morning's News

Good morning kids, here's what's going on in the world today:

The Iowa Department of Revenue has decided to tax jack-o-lanterns, stating that people are using them for decoration instead of food. Aren't they pumpkins before they're jack-o-lanterns? Pumpkins are food, I just had a pumpkin for breakfast!

A woman in Minnesota may be suing her pet sitter, claiming that the pet sitter made her pig fat... I didn't know pigs could be un-fat... hmmm, gonna search the web for svelte pigs, I'll get back to you.

A northern city in China has banned "seductive" marriage ads in order to reduce fraud (yeah, I don't get it either). Advertisers are banned from using such sexy words as "foxy lady" (instant pantie-dropper) and "moneybags" (I'm taking off my clothes as we speak).

You may check out more glorious stories at: http://mistupid.com/news/index.php

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Blog future

In my opinion, the blog's loading pretty slowly these days. I stripped out some of the javascript, but it's still sllloooowwww. There's a poll on the side asking what should be removed, if anything. All of these gone will make it pretty fast, but will decrease functionality. Should it stay the same? Change? Vote, or all that you love will die!

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Umm....Umbert the Unborn, Ladies and Gentleman

The Catholics have finally lost their mind. It's a comic strip about the zany, zany adventures of a fetus named Umberto who fights to not be aborted. Or something. Here.

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I'd totally wear Facebook's class pin

Sorry to cross post/self-promote, but this is exciting, and I've already written it up, so just go here, you know, if you want to:
24% of Americans would rather date Facebook than you.
And, fyi, the site is going through a soft launch. It's going to look better in a week or so.

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FYI

I'm going to be getting rid of some of the java script features of the blog today and Monday. As much as I like them, it loads unacceptably slowly these days.

If I take away something you love, let me know and I'll think about bringing it back. It also means it might behave erratically until everything's all squared away.

Cheers!

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Rainy Fridays

Mornin, everyone!

I'd like to welcome Ms. Nerdette who will be writing some posts for us, at least for a little while. She's awesome and brilliant, and I'm excited she's writing.

FYI - all of your original author types have the ability to invite anyone you want to be authors as well. This isn't like an exclusive club -- if you have a burning desire to write for the HON, we can make that happen.

Also, props to Joey on finding the Perry Bible Fellowship! Here are two of my favorites:



This might actually be the saddest thing I've ever seen. The more I looked at it, the sadder it made me:



What's going on this weekend? Any fun plans?

Love
me

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The art of being alone, or ME TIME.

Nerdette offers her $0.02 on the "boys/girls/relationships suck meme, with a twist.
Ok, so let me be real for a second.

I am, in no way, shape or form, even remotely an expert. I'm just someone trying to get by, who has read too much popculture and chick lit.

But, hey, this is the interwebs, I have an opinion, and I'm semi-literate. :) So I'm going to venture an opinion. And I've been lurking on HON for a while, and reading too much xkcd, so I commented on mathgimp's post (mainly because he gave me a little shout-out. Thanks, mathgimp.)

So, yeah, relationships can sometime be a royal pain. But what's at the heart of the matter? The discussions of couplings or uncouplings, and all of our nerderific musing on why relationships blow a big donkey wad of sadness (and sometimes happiness, lest we forget) is, in some way, really an extension of ourselves. You've got to ask youself, Self? How are you feeling?

You have to take time for yourself every once in a while. It's really scary at first, if you're gregarious (like me.) The idea of being alone is terrifying. I mean, what if I choke on that M&M while I'm reading my chick lit book? Who will find me if I pass out? Or worse? What if I just sit in my apartment and stare at the wall?! SCARY. Or worst! What if someone discovers my secret obsession with knitting?! Maybe I will end up unmarried, alone, hyper-tending my hydroponic garden of african violets and 15 cats. Geebus! (Tangent -- a friend of mine who works in politics just happened on a psychographic model where she found that single women knitters are prone to voting for a specific party and never getting married. So maybe there's some truth to it? Naaaah.)

Neuroses aside, what the hell am I driving at? You need to rediscover the art of selfishness. Not like an Ayn Rand sort of "greed is good" type way, but a 'what the hell do I want to do' way. It will help you become more centered, because you're taking care of yourself. Sound like pop-psych armchair advice? Probably. But here's the thing. If you take time for yourself, to pursue those things that help you reconnect with who you really are, you're actually taking care of yourself. You're giving yourself time to breathe. And by doing so, you might also reconnect with the ways in which you can serve others (like your partner(s), depending on what your, um, coupling situations may be.) That time might also help to relieve some of the stress you carry around with you. And you can share the best parts of you with your partner(s) and friends, when you do choose to be with them.

I googled "Me Time" and found that in fact, there are some health sites that agree with me. Check out here, here and here.

Turns out, scheduling yourself some time to doing an activity that is just for you, and just with you, not only helps de-stress, it's better for your heart and your time management. What I found interesting was that a lot of the sites were geared towards women (well, duh. We're the primary caretakers for a lot of people!) but it's a good practice for men, too. I would venture to guess that men are just a little bit better at taking time for themselves. (Maybe not, let me know if I'm wrong, fellas!)

There are all sorts of good tips on those three sites, but I offer this simple exercise to get you started.

1.Think of one really great (but it doesn't have to be a huge) accomplishment you've done in the last week. For me, it was getting out of bed and going to work today. Congratulate yourself on it. It's a success, doesn't matter how small.

2.Think of three activities you love to do that involve just you.
(Here are mine: reading a good Nero Wolfe murder mystery in my apartment by myself, whilst eating a tasty snack. Yoga class. Sketching with pastels.)

3. Go do it.

Plan yourself a time right now when you're going to go and do one of those three things, in the next 24 hours. Even if it's 30 mins. Do it. Plan a play date with yourself. Write it down, and repeat steps 1-3 you've accomplished it.

Just like L'oreal, babies, YOU DESERVE IT!

xox,
Nerdette

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Another Awesome Comic

I'm not even going to try and explain how I got from Smed's post to this, but boy am I glad I did. Apparently this actually runs in some papers. For the first time ever, Austin has disappointed me. Now I know how you Baltimoreans feel.

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Like watching 400 consecutive car wrecks

Definitely, definitely, definitely NSFW.

I think the most appalling ones are those utilizing arm pit hair or belly buttons. You'll see. Shudder. I'm going to go lie in the fetal position now. Great, bye.

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Sharing is caring!

And learning new words is fun! It's kinda more the same as before, so if that made you feel jejune, your eyes cross, I won't mind if you don't read this one. I promise. There is a party invitation hidden in it though -- and who doesn't want to party with someone who can use language like I can?

I'm going to prognosticate that no one's going to read this. However, As philologists will attest to, a fecundity of knowledge exists within Don Quixote, such as the word quixotic. Because I have never read the book, perhaps it was unrealistic for me to know this, I obsequiously admit. Although expurgated versions are available, it's never really done it for me. It's not that I'm intransigent about reading it -- stranger things have happened. If I'd been an English major, reading the book would have been ineluctable.

Modality is a strange word - the very thought of it makes me blanch. Why, you ask? because it can mean one of the primary sensations (hearing, touch, etc) or the tendency to belong to a particular group or category, or an attribute or circumstance that denotes mood or manner. So: modality belongs to the modality of words that have no concrete meaning. Modality is also abstract, and thus not a modality. My displeasure with the word modality is my modality.

Restive is a tricky word, because it sounds like someone should be resting, but instead they're restless. That's all.

This post has a syncopated rhythm to it, you might think. You'd be right. But did you know that contracting words is syncopation? Probably, cause I'm not real smart. In case your enmity grows, and your comments become vituperative, and perhaps anathematize me and my blog posts, however, I don't care what you think. FYI. You'll not make me saturnine. It will surprise no one that the thought of being done with this damn test makes me ebullient. Thinking about the days before the GRE, I become positively I won't lie to you - I'm plannin to get a bit obstreperous at the after party. My tastes are epicurean, believe you me.

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Late night thoughts

1. It's been a long time since I've read a good fiction book. I need to fix that. What are you guys reading?

2. I really, really want to see Fiona Apple in concert. Sadly, she's not touring right now.

3. The latter thought was sparked by Shadow Boxer's comment re: Tim Russert and muppets. I have reason to believe, however, that our friend SB has not watched TV since 2000, so I'm not sure he can authoritatively comment on the state of programming today.

4. I love impromptu sick days. No work today, so you can most certainly look forward to pedantic post part deux: the curse of grandiloquence. Stay tuned...

5. Pssst: Dumbledore's gay!

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Guess Who's Ugly?

According to a recent poll, we are! Yes my disgusting friends, an article posted today on yahoo ranked Philly, DC, and Dallas as having the most unattractive, least friendly, and all around shittiest people. My question for you, are we all guilty by association? All of us are connected to PA, DC, and TX in one way or another. Here's to being revolting!!! Read more at... http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071022/od_nm/philadelphia_unattractive1_dc

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The most pedantic of blog posts

In what is perhaps best described as an atavism, I've decided the re-take the GRE and return to grad school. As such, I have an exigent need to brush up math I haven't thought about since high school, and on arcane, recondite vocabulary. I'm learning math by the great good graces of mathgimp, an erudite teacher, and I'm learning vocabulary by writing inane sentences. I hope you will not find this post obstenatious, but instead an ironic tribute to turgid prose.

This post is a panegyric to House of Nerds. 296 posts?? HON's lasted that long??? You might ask yourself. I answer: indubitably! Since HON egressed in May, I've thought of it as a verbal flambeau, verdure of the mind, veritable chronometer of life and society. Maladroit ignoramuses? We abjure them! Our promiscuous set of contributors [yeah, I just thought it meant having lots of random sex, too] are trenchant writers, both literally and figuratively antipodal (see, e.g., Smed's posts on Argentina, or the relationship throw down of last week), and expand on a panoply of topics. We are, without fail, percipient of the utterly bizarre nature of the world around us. The didactic views averred in these posts are triumphantly tendentious - heterodoxical, even - in fact, one might say we have a strict interdiction against orthodoxy. Despite mathgimp's pertinacious objections to my loquaciousness, I think his carping is in jest. Rarely complacent, HON writing is consistently complaisant with a profound sense of joie de vivre. (Apparently the GRE tests for French expressions as well...I'm arrantly fucked.) The early apocryphal comments have mostly tapered off, leaving us the cream of the crop. Remarkably, no author's posting rights have been abrogated, and people generally behave themselves.

As a HON magnate, maintaining the blog has become my avocation - although, I won't lie - the blog has dilatory functions for me as well. If I could, I would blog for a living, but sadly that would mandate a penury and ascetic lifestyle, to which I am ill accustomed. (Suffer for your art, blah blah blah). I punctiliously arrogate certain responsibilities, like inviting new authors, -- though I would gladly share if other folks were interested. Although some view comments as perquisites, [not prerequisites - think of it as exquisite perks] our authors have a cupidity for feedback. You don't have to cosset your fellow bloggers, but show some love! As I always say, diffident blogger is a phlegmatic and torporific blogger! Wouldn't you rather your bloggers be sanguine, not choleric? (And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the "review of the four humors" portion of the post). Despite my normally fastidious nature, my generally apposite posts occasionally devolve into apostasy. (See, e.g. last week's "maybe Bush is right...? meltdown.) (No worries, my hatred for the administration has re-ossified after that little glitch).

When HON goes quiet, I worry about that it is moribund - I foresee it's impending decadence (see definition 3). Posts are the blog's life blood. Silence only abrades the blog's virility- without them, it will inevitably become dystophic. How long can such a good thing last? Is obscurity the condign censure for our pithy epigrams? Have we reached the precipice of disuse? Will the euphonic voices of HON fall silent? Fortunately, the blog lives through accretion, and the clamoring of verdant neophytes eager to, albeit inchoately, contribute to HON. [Don't take umbrage, newbies - I don't actually feel this way. I just needed to use the words somehow]. Perhaps, in time, we will become neologists, shaping our linguistic landscape. One can only hope.

So we continue to castigate the execrable politicians of the world for the state of political opprobrium in which we live. Occasionally our wit becomes acerbic, we become unctuous and inadvertently execrate each other, such as my inculpation that Mathgimp's assertion was "absurd" (sorry!!! I was just really excited about the effluent fusillade of obstreperous comments!!!! I didn't mean it). Although I have an antipathy for fulsome superstition, I hope that all this blathering about how awesome we are doesn't jinx us, or cause anyone to cast an imprecation.

In short, HON is neat. I adjure you to enjoy writing for her, enjoy reading her, and to celebrate the adjoining of minds that occurs on this humble blog.

PS - think this post was boring? Just be grateful none of us are philatelists!! Or, stay tuned for tomorrow's post... how to desiccate food (it's opposite is saturate!)

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Why do Colbert and Russert hate each other?

This is the most awkward video you'll see today, complete with Sesame Street dolls. It's most awkward because Russert is mean, Colbert is maybe serious....thoughts? Why the hate, guys?

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Can old humans learn new tricks?

So I'm sitting here thinking about my first blog and I'm pretty nervous. I mean, the first time for ANYTHING is supposed to be special isn't it?



Who doesn't remember their first time having sex (awkwardly trying to figure out how to use a condom)? Or the first kiss with your first true love? The first Christmas that you realized there is no Santa Claus? (That may be a bit culturally biased, but insert appropriate holiday with appropriate holiday figure here____________). Your first drive with a REAL license and not a stupid learner's permit. Your first drive with a real license WITHOUT an adult in the car. Your first speeding ticket. Your first DUI (or am I alone on that one???). Your first trip in an airplane. The first time meeting your significant other's parents. The first time having sex with a new person. Your first baseball game. Your first public speech. The first time teaching in front of a classroom. First skydive. First time seeing snow (ever, or each winter). First time at the beach (ever, or each summer). First car accident. First time seeing a sunrise/sunset. First legal drink at a bar.

These are all things that have a special place in our minds and hearts (for better or for worse, and to varying degrees) and we will never forget them. We try our hardest to make these things special (I still get choked up thinking about my DUI) but often times they are awkward and nervewracking and they leave us wanting to do better the next time. So that's how I am approaching my first blog. I don't know what I am supposed to write about or how I am supposed to write it, but I'm going to try. And so if this first blog leaves me wanting for more then I will work harder to get more out of the blogging system. Maybe I'll try to expand my vocabulary so I can sound smart. Maybe I'll read a book so I can comment on it. Maybe I'll write about how awesomely terrible teaching is. Maybe I'll just talk about how ridiculous my students' names are. Maybe I'll do us all a favor and just NOT TALK at all!! Who knows what adventures we will share together?! So I appologize in advance if this or any other blog is awkward or leaves you wanting for more. Blogging, like life, is a learning experience and I plan on getting better at it--I just wish I could figure out how to use a condom.

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New author invites!

I invited Kris and La Chicana to be authors today....everyone should peer pressure them into posting at least once.

New blood people...it keeps the blog alive!

Enjoy drinking, wherever you are .

Love
me

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(un)Strategic Ambiguity

Wow, Rhonda unleashed a whole mess of hormones flying around the halls of HON. All of these relationship posts are either going to get someone dead or get someone laid. I love it.

Updated because I just re-read something absurd mathgimp wrote.


Original rambling:
Here's the way I see things.

There's no one right way for societies to manage relationships. Arranged marriage, polygamy, polyamory, open marriages, friends with benefits, all have folks on one side singing their praises, and folks on the other swearing it will lead to the downfall of society. Neither is right. Just about everything works for someone (or some culture) somewhere, and just about everything is a disaster in some situation somewhere.

Every single type of relationship has problems associated with it. Of course committed relationships have problems that non-committed relationships don't. The stakes are higher, it's harder to walk away, problems get blown out of proportion by apocalyptic thinking, you have to manage and balance sex and emotions and personalities and life goals and that of course breeds stress and a little bit of the crazy.

In a moderate piece of self-disclosure, the reason why Rhonda and I started talking about this, and the reason why she wrote the blog, is because I've talked with almost every person I've ever had a romantic relationship with over the past two weeks. They all offered ostensible reasons for getting back in touch. They all came with explicit or implicit assurances that they didn't want to get back together.

Every time one of those boys called, I called Rhonda and said "boys are stupid!!!!" Even if they don't want to get back together - so the commitment problem goes away -- it fucks with my head a little, not only because I still feel something in one way or another for all of them, but because it's extremely difficult to judge other people's motives and intentions. Why are they calling me?? What are they thinking?? And because it makes you play the "what if" game. It feels like it's been a constant string of the ghosts of relationships past come to visit, exposing what my life would have been like had I been a little bit different, or made a few different choices.

If we were born 20 years earlier, or in rural America, or were socially conservative, I would have married the first one of the aforementioned guys who wandered into my life. Because I wasn't, relationships become a lot more confusing. The reason why boys are stupid and girls are lame is because we live in a subculture that fosters ambiguous relationships. It's acceptable to a) randomly hook up with people b) have friends with benefits arrangements and c)have platonic relationships with folks of the opposite gender. How do you choose?

The tables have turned in terms of a lot of gender norms -- I know plenty of women who just want no commitment hookups, and a ton of guys looking for long-term relationships. Men and women both have the option to choose careers and education over immediate procreation. It's great, and liberating, but it also increases possible interpretations of any given behavior that the opposite sex does at any given time about a thousand fold. THAT is why boys are stupid. You have no fucking clue what ANYTHING they do means. (And, of course, why girls are lame, too).

We have a delicious smorgasbord of sex and romance at our finger tips. And I wouldn't change it. We can experiment, we can be independent, we can self-actualize now, commit later, but of course it causes bitterness and resentment and misunderstanding. It's also fun and exhilarating and teaches you stuff about yourself. Once you get to the commitment part, that shit's easy - even if you go a little crazy, at least you're in it together.
End original rambling.

Update 1: Mathgimp, bizarrely, writes: "Non-committed relationships don't make anyone act crazy, unless they were crazy to begin with." This needs about 17 caveots to make it kind of make sense: non-committed relationships with no sexual or romantic dimension don't make people act crazy. If you want to sleep with them, or they want to sleep with you, all bets are off. Most of the time, people in non-committed relationship act like raving lunatics driven mad by hormonal uncertainty.

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A Math Proof I Don't Understand

There's actually a lot of proofs I don't understand, but this one references an XKCD comic, which I discovered through you folks and have learned to love. For other Web-comic goodness, I highly recommend Penny Arcade. It's mostly about video games, but still funny. If you're willing to read through the archives, I'll explain any posts you don't get. In other Web/tech news, I'm going to start blogging for Scientific American on Monday as a part of their companion blog to the 60 Second Science Podcast. Expect to hear about more things I think are awesome, but don't entirely understand.

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For my ladies (I do discriminate...)

--nuraido keeps trying to help (even when I don't let her).
--rhonda always has an awesome story to tell when she stops by.
--smed writes hilarious blog posts, and is fundamentally adorable.
--Data Nerdette wished me luck of of the blue.
--Emily complimented me out of the blue.
--Ressa reminds me of life when I was in theatre.
--April showed up once when I needed someone to show up.
--Roommate Sarah points out girls that think I'm hot.
--New York Sarah is just as competitive about SkeeBall as I am.
--Ani, Tori, Regina, Bjork, Ingrid, etc. are awesome.

Now updated with more rambling!




Here's what I wrote originally:
------------------------
The problem isn't girls. Or boys. Relationships are the problem. Noncommited relationships don't make anyone act crazy, unless they're crazy to start with (the guy who said rhonda looks like the grinch, for example).

Committed relationships make everyone go crazy, which is why everyone's bitter. Everyone does stuff they wouldn't normally do in a relationship, and everyone's an asshole eventually. Boys and girls. They're all nuts.

Especially girls, who are normally crazy. Pwned!

PS: If you're a girl, and I didn't mention you, it doesn't mean I hate you.
------------------------


So, I think I need to clarify my point, based off of the comments. Rhonda's previous post mentioned how intelligent people are saying "boys are stupid" and "girls are lame." My point is that:

a) No one actually thinks that all girls are lame, or all boys are stupid (except, apparently, for joey in the comments...). People who say that mean "boys are stupid when I date them" and "girls are stupid when I date them."

b) The reason why people say that sort of thing is because they get burned in relationships. If I get into a fight with a female friend, I rarely use that as evidence for the general statement "girls are lame. It just means that particular girl is wrong (as she must be, because I was obviously right). Unpleasantness in relationships give rise to a general bitterness that unpleasantness in friendships don't.

c) The reason I bring up the difference between committed and non-comm. is because I've seen lots of non-comm. relationships cause no crazy whatsoever. I can honestly not think of a single comm. relationship that hasn't involved nice, smart, reasonable boys and girls turning into mean, irrational boys and girls at some point or another. This statement does not imply that the good times are negated by the crazy. Only that the crazy does indeed exist eventually. What happens then is up to them.

Anyway, my major point is not to be mister bitter guy about relationships (although I think that came across a bit more than I intended). My point is that bitter guys may actually think girls are great (as I do; see above), but scary in relationships. Bitter girls (I assume) feel similarly.

This isn't intended to be a "relationships = bad" post. It's a "girls are lame !=female friends are lame" post.

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For My Ladies, and My Guys (we don't discriminate)

Ladies, gentlemen, what's the deal? It seems as though something might be in the water, or the moon is changing, or global warming is finally effecting our psyche. Why you ask? Because so many of my beautiful, intelligent, and kick-ass friends are giving up on love. In the past few weeks, the phrases "boys are stupid" and "girls are lame" have appeared numerous times in emails and text messages sent to me and in many conversations I have had with my anonymous pals.

Yes, I recognize that I too am a jaded 20 something, and yes I am guilty of thinking that boys are stupid on a regular basis, but kids, I'm ready for a change. No longer am I gonna bitch about how 2 different men I dated stole from me (if you read this, I think you suck, both of you SOB's), nor am I gonna continue to make fun of the guy who honestly thought he had a chance of sleeping with me by telling me that I have no ass and that my nose reminds him of the "who's" from "The Grinch" (ok, you are an idiot and no woman wants to sleep with you).
My darlings, you are looking at a woman in the process of change, and I'm bringing you with me! So here's what we're gonna do. I want you to each think of something positive a man or woman has recently done that changed your mind about the opposite sex or gave you a glimmer of hope that not all people out there are heartless bastards. If someone made you smile, or laugh, or orgasm, I want to hear about it!
Ok, I'll start. My friend Eggie gave me a birthday present for my dog Jasper, who turned 6 years old last week. This was one of the most thoughtful gesture ever done for me. Eggie gives me hope that genuine men exist in the world. Nice guys are gonna finish first!!!!!
Alright my friends, don't be shy, show me what you got. Let's try to stop hating eachother for at least a day.

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Stupid International Relations

I had a strange feeling on the way to work this morning. I was thinking about the Dalai Lama (there were some awesome Burmese monks on my train), and at first I couldn't identify the feeling in my stomach. Then I realized it was something akin to pride in my government - and, sort of, the president.

I'm actually proud of Bush for meeting with the Dalai Lama. It's what he should have done. He should say "fuck you" to China for condoning the slaughter of Burmese civilians and continuing to commit human rights atrocities against its own people, the people of Tawain, and the people of Tibet. China has no right to blackmail us for supporting human rights. Way to go, Bush.

Unfortunately, he's apparently willing to piss off China but not Turkey. While we're at it, fuck Turkey too. They committed genocide, a really long time ago. They should humbly accept the fact they murdered 1.5 million Aremenians, and refocus the conversation on their efforts to make sure it never happens again. Instead, they're recalling their diplomats, threatening to attack Iraq, and threatening to expell our military? All because we're calling you out on something you did nearly a century ago?

I was actually proud of our military for standing up to Turkey and saying "fine. We'll work around it." And then, one by one, the Congress started to disappoint me. Again. Turkey says "don't do that," and we say fine? Really? No wonder we're not a moral leader. Did we not think this was going to happen? Did we think Turkey would make a sad face and walk away? Once again, Congress reveals its cowardice. Here's a list. I'm especially ashamed of Hank Johnson, (D-GA). He's Buddist, and used to be awesome.

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Soft Autumn Breezes

For those of you not stuck in Maryland, I am happy to report that this state at least does fall perfectly. For the past 4 or 5 days, it's been breezy and cool... you can wear a sweater but you don't have to...my favorite type of weather. (And when I'm at my least productive.) However, it's had sort of a bizarre side effect today.

Of course, I've spent every possible moment away from this awful building and walking around lovely Capitol Hill. I've caught myself repeatedly humming a song, often because of strange looks from passerby.

What song, you may ask? For that, I bring you back to the late 1980s, when Sara, Selda and I were 8 or 9, Tommy 6 or 7. MTV was holding a contest for the best young band, and we knew this was our chance to make it big. Selda played guitar, Sara pretended to play keyboard, Tommy and I snapped our fingers, and the Antidotes were born.

Due to the malicious nature of Sara and Selda's parents, some of you have seen the videotape of that we sent to mtv. For those of you who haven't, I now present the lyrics, in full. Have a box of Kleenex at hand - it's pretty heavy, emotional stuff.

Those endless nights are far behind
And so's the love we'll never find
Days without you seem like an eternity
But then I see you starin' back at me.

CHORUS:
Soft autumn breezes blowing through your hair
And how I wish that you could take me there.
Remembering times that you held me tight
We learned to love, but we lost the fight.

Standing by my window waiting,
Fighting back cascades of tears
The sunset brings an end to a lonely day
If only you could show me the way.
(Chorus)
Fighting about it does no good
We could never love as lovers should
We said forever, but forever's too long
Where could we have gone so wrong?
(Chorus)

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Science (And Science Writing) Rocks

I wasn't going to post today because I also have a crazy amount of things to do. But sometimes science makes it too hard--or just sensitive. I'm not going to tell you what this story is about--it's on NBC.com, so it's safe for work, though--I'm just going to leave you with this: "It's like having a mini-heartbeat in my crotch," she explains, a sensation that arouses her even during yoga and spinning classes, or when she drives along bumpy roads. During sex, Staltare says, she has volcanic, multiple orgasms "like huge waves that keep lifting me higher and higher." I could quote the entire article. The writing is just that good. Go here now. (FYI: Only the first page is awesome and funny. The second is mostly sad and a little frightening, and the third is part funny and part business.)

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I wasn't going to blog today...

Cause I have a crazy list of things I need to get done, and I'm involved in 20 games of online scrabble. But those republicans make it impossible not to write!

Rhonda scooped me on the best news of the day: Fred "Lizard-Face, French-Kissin', Finger-Lickin Good" Thompson. Eeeeeewwwww. That's about all. Remember, Mathgimp's dad did not vote for Bush because he blinked too much. I imagine that most of the country will never kiss or lick a stamp again because of the recurring image of Law and Order guy's tongue. Enough is enough.

In other, profoundly weird news, check out this link. Reliable sources (like Wonkette) assure me it's not a joke. The Republicans actually thought it would be funny to mock the idea of giving kids health insurance with THE SIMPSONS. And incest jokes. Clearly party of good, clean, family values.

I rarely experience the "thank God I'm not alone!!!" feeling when reading newspaper articles. This article took me aback and filled me with a warm, gushy, glow. The countless times a day I reach into my purse cause my phone was ringing, only there's no one on the other end? It's not a longing for acceptance or communication, it's phantom vibration syndrome! Experienced by millions of cell phone, blackberry, and pager users all over the world! Naming my pain really is the first step to getting better. Hooray PVS!!!!

Finally, Stephen Colbert is hilarious. Much funnier than Maureen Dowd. He brings us the quote of the day, straight from the NYT op-ed page:

[W]inning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.

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Too Much Tongue

In a 2 hour presidential debate, Fred Thompson darted his tongue approximately 68 times. Someone needs to tell crazy ole' Freddie that lizards can't run for President.

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Intimate Relationships with Artificial Partners

Hello, blog reader. If I'm guessing right, you're most likely a twenty-something. I also imagine that many of your friends are entering serious relationships, and many are probably getting engaged and married. And you most likely have that nagging thought in the back of your head - what if everyone finds someone - except for me??

You may have even tried to formulate some sort of safety plan - a promise with a close friend promising you'll marry each other by a certain date in a desperate attempt to prevent a lifetime of loneliness (Tommy, remember you have until 2016 until you have to settle for me). Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but if your backup plan finds some love they're going to drop you like a HOT POTATO.

But don't despair. A Dutch scientist has completed his thesis on the ultimate "Plan B" in case you never cross paths with your soul mate.

Robot marriage. That's right. People will fall in love with, marry, and possibly most importantly, fornicate with robot spouses.

You might have some trepidation about spending the rest of your life with a robot. You may have a few questions. Dr. David Levy and I have some answers for you.

Robot Marriage FAQs

This is great news! How soon can my robot and I get married??
Not so fast, my android admirer. Dr. Levy warns that it will take time for our legislation to catch up with our desires, so it will most likely take about 40 years until robot marriage is legalized. But hell, better late then never.

I'm sorry - how long is this going to take? Can you be a bit more precise?
Hey, I don't want to speculate, but if I were you, I'd get to Massachusetts around 2050.

2050! I can't hold out that long.
Well, if you can't live that long without love, and you're willing to put out before marriage, you're in luck. There are companies that already sell realistic sex dolls, and Dr. Levy notes, "...it's just a matter of adding some electronics to them to add some vibration." That shouldn't be too difficult, my dear doctor! In fact, says Henrik Christensen, founder of the European Robotics Research Network, expect robot sex by 2011. Don't worry, reader, you only have four more years of cold showers.

What exactly are the benefits to robot marriage?
I'm glad you asked! There are numerous selling points for robot marriage.

1. It may reduce human prostitution.
2. It may cause a drop in infidelity. Explains Levy, "...[i]nstead of a woman saying, 'Darling, not tonight, I have a headache,' you could get 'Darling, I have a headache, why not use your robot?'"
3. Possible reduction of pedophile activity (I'm going to leave this one alone).
4. And, the main benefit: to make people who otherwise could not get married happier.

Who can't otherwise get married?
Dr. Levy really spells it out for us: "[P]eople who find it hard to form relationships, because they are extremely shy, or have psychological problems, or are just plain ugly or have unpleasant personalities."

Is he talking about you, lonely reader? Maybe it's time to start saving up for your very own robot.

Won't it be....ahem....a little embarrassing to be married to a robot?
It doesn't take long for new courting techniques to catch on. Just think of dating sites - 20 years ago they were unheard of! Dr. L gives his scholarly assurance: "[O]nce you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon."

If you have any more questions, you can read the entire article here. And a big thanks to Ms. Ruhi Lou for bringing this important news to our attention.

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Exciting times from south of the border

Over the course of two days, I watched a four-hour documentary about Mormons. When one has innumerable hours at one's disposal, one fills them in sometimes baffling ways.

My interest was piqued because I attended a Mormon funeral in August (Stephanie's funeral). The movie was actually really good, and now I feel edified concerning most things Mormon.

For instance, did you know that the Mormons have built a huge vault in Utah inside a mountain containing about 2 billion names? They are trying to make a complete list of every dead person. This is because they believe that you can be baptized into the Mormon faith after death. A (living) Mormon acts as a proxy and gets baptized 20 times in a row or so in the name of 20 dead people. Then, claim the Mormons, the dead person has the opportunity to accept or reject the Mormon faith. They're pretty much trying to get anyone they may have missed converting on Earth. This process sparked a lot of controversy when Holocaust survivors found out that the Mormons were posthumously trying to baptize people who got killed in the Holocaust. Now the Mormons make it a point to baptized every dead person except for Jews.

If you want to watch a Mormon documentary, and so much more (which I'm sure you do), go here. PBS's Frontline is kind enough to post many full-length documentaries online. All together now: "Thanks PBS!"

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Score one for Catholic Education!

This study is pretty interesting: after controlling for income and parental involvement, there is no difference in the educational achievements of kids in public school versus kids in private school. The only exception? Catholic (specifically Jesuit) education.

I left Catholic school an atheist who loved the philosophy of Catholic education. If I have kids, and decide they ever get to leave my house, I'm sending them to private school. Other ex-Catholics who went to Catholic school (mathgimp, for example), seem to agree.
Yay! Happy weekend! Go Catholic school!

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Looking out for Mother Earth

Congratulations to Al Gore and the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change for winning the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize. Gore commented, "We face a true planetary emergency. The climate crisis is not a political issue, it is a moral and spiritual challenge to all of humanity." I couldn't have said it better myself.

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Hehe

Things I like? Hoax websites (see mathgimp's from a few weeks ago).

Things I love? Ones that sound NSFW, and then have adorable children. Check out: The Happy Endings Foundation here.

What makes it HON worthy? The fact it fooled the BBC.

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HON for Gore

Big congratulations to Al Gore on his Nobel Peace Prize!!!

I signed the "Draft Gore" petition this morning. Their website is amazing -- check it out.

This may not reflect the sentiments of other HON readers/authors, so feel free to dissent freely.

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Maligning of adorableness

Not one but two faithful HON readers have spoken ill of hedgehogs today. This aggression will not stand. I will allow them to remain anonymous to protect them from backlash from the community, but I would like to remind you of the absolutely adorable British hedgehogs profiled last week on this blog. If you need more proof, follow the jump:




OMG baby hedgehogs are adorable

Albino hedgehogs are kinda freaky lookin':


If you would like to join my anti-hedgehog maligning league, I will take any and all hedgehog donations.

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Brainstorm for me

Some of you just got this email, some didn't. What are your thoughts and ideas? And isn't it nicer to be solicited for ideas instead of money?

Hi, everyone -

I know that it's been an incredibly long time since I've talked to some of you, and I owe everyone individual emails and phone calls. In the mean time, I was hoping that you could help me brainstorm.

I think most of you know that Jack Jenkins, a 17-year-old debater from Westlake High School (where I coached in Austin), was killed in a car accident over the summer. I spent time with his parents this weekend, and I'm soliciting your advice on their behalf. They are in the process of establishing a Debate Opportunity Fund in his name. Their goal is to provide resources for students from the Austin/Central Texas region to compete on the national circuit who would not otherwise have the opportunity to do so. Jack was very involved in the fight to keep Westlake competitive on the national circuit, and I think this is a fantastic way to honor his memory.

His parents asked me if I could spend some time listening to folks and collecting ideas about logistical and strategic possibilities for allocating money from the fund. They'd like to hear from people who run debate teams, know the Austin circuit, and have experience with Urban Debate Leagues. Those of you who have never seen the inside of a debate round are getting this because I like you and think you're smart, and because the Jenkins were also interested in ideas from folks who have spent time in the non-profit and education world.

Obviously there are a few major questions: what the money should be spent on (travel? camp? consultants/coaches?) who the money should be spent on (one school? teams from different schools? more of a UDL/debate collective model?) how should the recipients be chosen (application? nomination? grants given to one school/coach?) At this point, I'm just serving as a clearing house for ideas and suggestions, and then I'm going to present a set of possibilities to the Jenkins before the end of the year.

So what do you think? What could work and what wouldn't? If you had this money to spend, how would you use it? Are there models or programs I should look at? Other folks I should talk to? Anything you can offer, from a quick email list to a phone conversation or a cup of coffee, would be greatly appreciated. If other people come to mind that might be able to offer ideas, please feel free to forward this email as well.

Thanks, and I hope all's well!

Take care,

Kellie

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Happy Birthday Handsome!!!!

I am sending out the biggest Happy Birthday wish to the boy I love the most in this world. For the past six years, he has stuck by my side through thick and thin and loves me no matter what I look like in the morning or how much money I make or whether or not I've figured out what I want to do with my life. In my eyes, he's perfect. He is always cheery, he never gets mad at me, and he makes me laugh everytime I look at him. So Happy Birthday to you baby Jasper, my adorably plump puppy, who turns 6 years old today. He's officially the cutest boy in the 1st grade.

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And we're back

This should come as a surprise to no one, but I was less than enthused (thused?) to find myself back in Maryland at 1 o'clock this morning, and even less pleased to have to get my ass out of bed for work at 7:30.

But luckily I was graced with a particularly bizarre commute this morning, which reminded me that, in a strange way, I sometimes don't completely hate this place. For starters, there was a large but well groomed man sitting across from me on the metro. He took up most of the row, but was minding his own business, and no one took a second look. Except that he ribbited every time the metro stopped. Imagine Kermit, imagine prince pre-kiss.

When I got to L'Enfant to transfer, the blue line train left just as I was coming down the escalator. Here's the funny thing about the blue and orange line trains in the morning, though -- they come every single minute. It's kind of amazing, and like what would happen if we had a real metro.

No one apparently told that to the woman in the teal suit, who did the following: ran to the train. Grunted in exertion as she tried to pry the doors open. Realized she couldn't. Stomped her feet 8 times. Yelled "why do trains NEVER WAIT FOR ME? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" and huffed back up the stairs. Only to come back down when the next train came 30 seconds later.

When I got off at work, I was greeted by a few protest groups. I was disappointed by my favorite protesters. I will not name them because I don't want to increase their googleness, but let's say their candidate's name rhymes with "LaDouche." Last I saw the LaDouchians, they were putting on a lovely play outside the metro to symbolize/criticize/analyze... something. There was yelling and heckling and face paint. Today, they were just handing out fliers. Lame! Don't show up if you're not going to play!

The people for Radio Free Alliance were there too, and they gave me bubble gum. And smiled nicely. Ergo, not only do they get a mention, but I will even link to their website. And chew my gum with contentment at consciousness raising well done.

To the organizers of the world: people donate blood if you give them junk food and t-shirts. People come to meetings if you promise them the proverbial punch and pie. And I will write about you on my blog if you give me a present on my way to work.

I have other things to write about throughout the day, but that's the story of my morning commute. Cheers!

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Another XKCD great

Hello, everyone -

I can only assume that you're holding your collective breaths in anticipation, wondering whether I managed to make it to Austin after my desperate SOS post from Friday morning. That I did, so you can resume posting again. Sorry I've been gone for a few days -- I've thought about HON often, but I've been revelling in the fact I've managed to temporarily unstick myself from Maryland.

Longer post tomorrow or Wednesday, but for now, XKCD made me giggle today.

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SOS

I know I don't know all of you, faithful readers. But, alas, I have done something...nicht so bright. My flight to Austin is at 6:50 am. And, if you read the blog, or know me, or have half of a pulse, you know that I am very excited about going home.

But, sadly, events have intervened. I did yoga and went swimming. Then, friends came over tonight to wish me well on my 5 day journey. Roommate Sarah and I had deep, fascinating conversations about boys and North Korea. I drank wine so thoughtfully purchased for me by mathgimp. Roommate Sarah (who still doesn't read the damn blog) consumed an entire bottle of wine. Which would be fine, except that my plane departs Baltimore in, oh, 6 hours exactly. And we're supposed to leave the house in 4.5 hours exactly. And we're both in...celebratin' moods. Which means that I am going to miss my plane.

So, loyal HON fans, I don't ask for many favors. But if you're out there, and we're already close enough so that you have my number, and it gets to be 5 am, EST (that's 4 am for you Texans), please call me and get my ass out of bed. The future of my trip depends upon it.

Good night, and good luck.

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Amazing experience

I know a bunch of you were worried about my no wallet, no HOL situation from yesterday. I appreciate your concerns and kind thoughts. Luckily, the gods intervened, roommate Sarah came to the rescue, and my wallet, my fancy copy of House of Leaves that mathgimp bought me for my birthday, and I were able to attend Mark Danielewski's reading.

First of all, DC "literary" "critics" are douche bags. They were "casually chatting" about the notion of harmony and resonance in Rousseau as filtered through Derrida. Bite me. I hope I've never sounded like that.

Second of all, I realized that I very rarely go places alone that you're "supposed" to go with other people. Sometimes I see movies by myself, but that's about it, really. People (at least these people) spend a lot of time looking askance at all of us solo folks. Again, I invite you to bite me.

Despite the awfulness of my companions for the evening, seeing Mark Danielewski speak was one of the more transformative experiences of my life. The man's a self- actualized genius. His energy captivates the entire room. There are two experiences I've had that compare: seeing Ani DiFranco in concert and seeing Bill Clinton speak. I think it's being in the presence of the real thing. I got to chat with him for a few minutes afterwards, and it's still with me today. It was actually an honor.

If you get a chance to, see the man speak. Seriously.

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Obvious article of the day

I usually like relationship/communication/interpersonal articles. I was particularly excited to read this one: "Friends with Benefits, and Stress too," in today's New York Times. Read it - it's short - but lame. The article's conclusion? About 60% of folks have a friends with benefits type relationship. It works well, but brings some stress, cause people are worried about the whole commitment thing. For the most part though, people are happy.

Yep. Sounds about right.

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Time to start thinking of holiday gifts...

The perfect gift for anyone old or young. Or named Sarah.

Description: Printed on strong, thick, medium glossy paper, the helmet consists of 19 parts, on four A4 sheets, which need cutting out, folding and glueing together. With an inside circumference of ca. 63 cm (24.8 inches) it should be large enough for even most adult heads. For children using cotton wool, or other material as wadding should help with the fitting of the helmet to the smaller head.

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My boyfriend is awesome

Good work, Pete!

Be sure to look at the slideshow. He has spent a lot of time working with ABC (not to mention risking his life to take the pics) to make this a quality story.

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Run-in with the most pathetic would-be robber in B.A.

I have lived an robber-free life ever since my bicycle was snatched from the neighborhood pool one afternoon when I was 10. Sadly, this streak ended yesterday.

I was walking down the street in my neighborhood, in the middle of the afternoon, minding my own business. I was reading a book, which I am apt to do while I am walking. Nonchalantly, a guy about my age approached me from behind and started strolling with me.

I thought I was about to get hit on. Turns out the only hitting would be done by me. He had his hand stuck under his jacket, and he says to me, ever-so-casually (and in Spanish of course): "I have a gun under my jacket. Don't say anything, just give me all your money."

I was stunned, but I was also 98% sure that he didn't have a gun under his close-fitting jacket. I stammered (in Spanish), "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?" He thought I just hadn't heard him, correctly, so he repeated his spiel. To simplify matters, he slowly said, "Give me the money in your bag" while pointedly jabbing at my bag.

I said, very politely, "I'm sorry, I don't understand anything that you're saying." He stared at me in disbelief, and he finally realized that I was a foreigner and very likely could not understand anything he was saying. Apparently this complicated things a bit too much for him, or maybe he just had a sense of humor, because my would-be robber cracked up and tried to pat me on the back. At this point, I was disgusted by the whole interaction, and I hit his arm to get him off of me (I know, probably not the smartest thing for me to do).

Surprised, he backed off and hopped onto a bus. This guy is such a scum bag. Apparently his schtick is to walk around in the middle of the day, in nice neighborhoods, targeting women walking by themselves. All in all, the whole thing really pissed me off, but unfortunately this is one of the sad consequences of a country in the middle of such massive economic problems. Luckily, my accent was bad enough to save me from harm.

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Good day on ze interwebz

[Updated to include link to rape story]
As Smed just reported, we won the War on Drugs. It's over. Why? Prices for coke are sky high (hehehehe) -- and clearly that can't have anything to do with inflation, cause it doesn't exist.

Glen Greenwald posted a completely fascinating article by Norman Podhoretz, written in 1963, where he talks about hating "Negroes," a lot, because they were mean to him when he was little, and he just can't seem to shake that feeling of black hatred in his heart. Who is Norm? Why do we care? He's Rudy's foreign policy advisor. Incredible. The article is 100% worth reading. [Link is towards the bottom}.

Digby's got a good bit on intelligent design crazies which I thought might interest mathgimp, and anyone else out there with a pulse.

In updates from last week, the number of sick fucks increases. Remember the prosecutor who was arrested for crossing state lines to have sex with a three-year-old? Well, apparently someone beat him to it. The entire story's completely bizarre and gruesome and awful. Short version: man rapes 3-year-old girl, apparently while the kid's mom was at work. No one finds out about it until 4 years later, when a tape of the rape surfaces somewhere in the desert. Some dude found the video tape...held on to it for a while...was arrested for child pornography...people said "wow! this is real!" And everyone said "well, I'm glad we've found out, but the kid's happy, so why are we bringing it up?......" Here's the link. People disgust me.

The Junta in Burma just turned off the internet. CNN has video footage of the soldiers beating civilians. Thousands are being reported dead, and monks bodies are being dumped in the forest. All for democracy. British papers like the Daily Mail are doing a nice job covering the story, with some pretty remarkable photos.

Oh, and Bush vetoed SCHIP (State Children's Health Insurance Program) despite - get this - 86% approval amongst the American public.

Voters support reauthorization regardless of political party, with 77 percent of Republicans, 86 percent of Independents and 93 percent of Democrats supporting reauthorization.

That's more bipartisan than Santa Claus. And yet, Bush's 4th veto. Amazing.

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Breaking News!

Hey, we're not doing so hot with that Iraq War, but by God, you can chalk up that pesky War on Drugs as officially WON by the US of A. Take THAT, terror! God bless you, Ronald Reagan!!

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Wednesday morning updates

Today is a jumbled sort of day, me thinks. I left my wallet at home, but remembered my lunch. I could only do half the crossword and half of sudoku before I got bored. I kept mixing up the six different passwords I need to log onto my computer at work. It's Wednesday. There are some things I know for sure, however.

1. Response was muted to both my turtle story and Smed's hilarious suicide via llamas story (What? No animal lovers in the crowd?). Lisa, our sole commenter, asks "is that photoshop? surely not real...but what if it was??!" I am delighted to make Lisa's morning just a little bit better by reporting that, to the best of my knowledge, the story's real. Not only did I first read it in the famed Washington Post Express, but reputable sources such as USA Today, Yahoo News, and AZCentral.com are all reporting that a pet shop in Norristown, PA does in fact have the conjoined twin turtles. The turtle is the size of a silver dollar, has a set of feet on either side, but just one set of back feet and one tail. I think it might be my totem animal. If only I had waited another month to get my tattoo....

2. The second thing I know for sure is that I am crazy excited to be leaving for Texas on Friday. I need to get out of this state for a few days.

3. I also know that I will never understand the deep intricacies and mysteries of the DC metro system. I don't know why they have to raise prices again to continue to provide shittier service than any other developing country in the world at a much higher price. I don't know why they're planning to install LCD screens in stations, but my only guess is they think if we can watch TV, we won't notice that we've paid $5.00 to wait 45 minutes for a damn train.

But even though I wouldn't let the transportation board plan a lobster dinner for my five worst enemies, I generally trust my fellow commuters (if not the tourists) to help me maintain a sense of normalcy. But lately, I've had this experience. Extremely large men who sit on the opposite end of the train from me and insist on blaring Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, or Whitney Houston so loudly that the rest of the train can literally hear every word. Why? Why? Why? I miss my iPod, which was stolen on the metro. The metro giveth music, and also taketh away.

Come to think of it, 4: Even though I covet my metro bubble of aloneness, the metro is slowly killing all that's good in my life.

5. Scrabble on Facebook will be my undoing.

6. Arrrg. Mark Danielewski [of House of Leaves and Only Revolutions fame] is speaking at Olsson's tonight in Dupont. I really want to go, but have no wallet and no copies of my books by him. Perhaps roommate Sarah can come to the rescue.

7. Now we've devolved into nothing but my random thoughts... I'll be back later.

Love
me

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Suicide via Llamas

Pete and I went on a tour during our Chile vacation that was...not...very...enjoyable.

We went on a tour in northern Chile that promised us a view of the Chilean desert and amazing geysers. The downside was that it was going to start at 4 in the morning and last till noon. But hell, they were going to give us breakfast and I had never seen a geyser! Pete was less than enthused, but I insisted that we go on the Great Geyser Excursion. Here is a breakdown of our day.

3:30AM Alarm goes off. Pete almost convinces me to go back to sleep. I am excited about geysers and push him out of bed.
4:00AM We go and wait for the van to pick us up. It is dark and cold.
4:15AM We wonder where the van is.
4:30AM We discuss going back to bed.
4:40AM Van arrives 40 minutes late. Driver announces to sleep if we can, because it is a two hour drive and it's not going to be very comfortable.
4:45AM I discover the road is so bad I am thrown up into the air several inches every three seconds or so. No sleep will be had.
5:15AM Pete's stomach is upset, and the road (or lack thereof) is not helping the situation. The day does not appear to be promising.
6:15AM We arrive at the geysers park. I am silently thankful that neither Pete nor I were carsick.
6:16AM The two ugly prune-faced German women ("The Prunes") who have been sitting in front of us get up to exit the vehicle. One of them flings back her arm rest into my thigh. It hurts.
6:20AM We disembark from tour bus to find out that it is 0 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm wearing jeans, a jacket, and sneakers covered in hearts.
6:30AM We take a look at the geysers. Are you picturing Old Faithful? No, no. They are little bubbling holes in the ground. There's lots of steam coming from them because it's flipping 0 degrees.
6:30AM My feet feel tingly and hurt from the cold.
6:32AM I start laughing uncontrollably and wrap my scarf around my head. Yes, this is captured on video. See Pete for tape.
6:34AM I decide that geysers aren't very interesting. Still laughing strangely and feeling alienated from the tour group, who all seem fascinated by looking at geyser after geyser.
6:40AM I go back to wait in the van until people are done looking at geysers.
7:00AM Breakfast is served. Breakfast is stale fruitcake, salami slices on Bimbo bread, and powdered coffee.
7:20AM Pete decides to go take one more look around. On the way out, he tries to make a joke by flinging the armrest onto my thigh a la the Prunes.
7:21AM I burst out in tears from the exhaustion and the sudden armrest-to-thigh pain.
7:22AM Pete feels really bad. It's ok, Pete. It would have been funny if it wasn't 7:22AM.
7:45AM We get back on the "road."
7:46AM Guide makes a short announcement. (Guide is terrible and not informative in the least, by the way). One of the Prunes sharply "SSSSSSHHHHHHes" Pete. Pete is insulted by the Prune's sub-par communication skills.
9:00AM We arrive at a different geyser location. Prunes exit, and in the process, fling the armrest onto Pete's thigh. It hurts.
9:01AM These geysers look very similar to the original geysers. However, there is a hot spring bath at this location. Unfortunately, it is lukewarm. The day has warmed up to a balmy 30 degrees F.
9:30AM Pete and I find a hot spot in the bath and decide to get in. This part was actually pretty fun. There were 3 old people who would jump out of the water and squeal whenever they got hit with a particularly hot current. Also, another older man accidentally mooned the crowd and got a big applause for it.
9:50AM Time to leave the hot springs. I have to get dressed behind a wall in the below freezing weather. I shouldn't have laughed at the man who mooned everyone.
10:00AM Back on the "road." wooooot.
10:10AM We see llamas. Llamas are neat. A Prune insists we stop the van. Llamas are not stop-the-van neat.
10:30AM We see flamingos swimming. Flamingos are very neat. A Prune insists we stop the van. Flamingos are not stop-the-van neat.
10:45AM We see ducks. Ducks are not very neat. A Prune insists we stop the van. Ducks are definitely not stop-the-van neat.
11:00AM We stop at a native "village" consisting of about 10 little houses. Prunes armrest us on the way out. I pay eighty cents to use the bathroom and buy Pete and I fried cheese empanadas. My cheese empanada turns out to be the second-best part of the whole day.
11:10AM Pete wanders off towards the desert threatening suicide via llama. I don't know what it means, but I am worried. Things are grim.
11:15AM I meet the CUTEST CHILD IN THE WORLD, who lives in this tiny village. I will post some pictures and you will understand what I mean. He and I chat for a while about the pictures he is drawing, and I am smitten. If his mother had been very ill and unable to care for the child, I would have taken him back with me to the United States and raised him. This is not a joke. I asked him how old he was, and he said three. Then he said (in Spanish of course), "Wait, wait. I need to ask mom. Mom, how old am I?" "You're 4, dear." "Oh right. I'm 4." I desperately searched through my bag for something to give him. All I had was a highlighter. I gave it to him, and he was absolutely delighted.
11:40AM Pete drags me away from the child because it's time to move on to the next location. I kiss the child and call him an angel. "That's kind of weird, Sarah," Pete says.
11:41AM Van time. I am relieved because I think this 8-hour hellacious experience is going to end soon.
12:00PM Tour is scheduled to end at this time. Guide announces that as our last activity, we are going to go on a one-hour hike in the desert to look at cacti.
12:01PM Pete and I stare at each other in disbelief and terror.
12:02PM Prune armrests me.
12:03PM We start trudging through the desert.
12:20PM Pete and I realize that it's not that enjoyable to look at cacti in the middle of the desert at noon. We leave our tour group (who we have completely alienated ourselves from) and return to the van to wait out the cactus viewing portion of the program.
1:00PM One hour behind schedule, the van embarks for San Pedro, our starting point. I'm really hungry.
1:30PM Pete gets the final brunt from the Prunes' armrest rage.

Now look, I realize what you might be thinking. Something along the lines about how I am a spoiled brat who should enjoy tours in Chile even if she is cold and on an uncomfortable road. But you know what? You can go to hell. I do like seeing amazing sights, even if it is a bit uncomfortable. But these were not amazing sights, and it was a step beyond uncomfortable. Everyone in our group appeared to be a bit demoralized and unhappy upon reaching the end of this really, really long day.

One other thing did make me happy (besides the empanada and the child). We got off and I said goodbye to the terrible guide who had made little to zero effort to drag this awful experience even a little bit out of the sludge. "Do you know about the guidebook 'Lonely Planet?" I asked him. "Yes, I do," he said, suddenly interested in speaking to me. "Well, I am a writer from Lonely Planet. Now I have to write a review of your tour." He seemed taken aback. "I hope it's a good one..." he responded. I said nothing and walked away.

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Remember Horatio?

Some of you have been around long enough to remember Horatio Mortimer de Juan Pablo III, the red slider turtle I had a pet for a long time.

We rescued him from Dia's pool on Labor Day, 1998. He hung out for a really long time, until he grew so big we had to put him in my parent's aquarium. He was really happy there, but my mom's expensive fish started disappearing. Tommy and my dad dug a turtle pond in the backyard, where he lived, until one day he set off to see the world, and was never seen again.

He was a good and noble turtle. Imagine my surprise when I opened the paper this morning to find out he was reproducing! Only an utterly badass turtle could father something so simultaniously adorable and awesome. After the jump, Horatio's offspring:

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